By Boyd Lemon / Guest contributor
Breakups and divorces are so common in our culture that it is a topic that cannot be discussed too much, in my opinion. It leaves many deep scars. I am not a psychologist or a relationship coach, but I have been through three divorces and wrote a book about them and my recovery. I am certainly far from an expert on marriage, but I think I know a thing or two about recovering from divorce that will help you if you are going through or recovering from divorce or breakup of a committed relationship.
As much as you feel like getting out and not thinking about your ex or your marriage, you need some alone time to reflect on what happened in order to recover fully.
I took bad advice after each of my marriages and “moved on.” At some point you do have to move on, but not before you’ve done some reflecting in depth, no matter how painful that may be. Otherwise, you simply carry it with you beneath the surface of your consciousness. It is still their, eating away at you. And you learn nothing to prepare for another relationship
The first thing you need to reflect on and understand is just because you got divorced does not been you are a failure or a bad or stupid person. Almost everybody has a serious relationship that is terminated; about half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. You are not alone. Relationships in our society have become extremely complex and difficult. The fact that yours ended is no indication that you are a bad person or a failure. You couldn’t make the relationship work, but it is not all your fault, and if you misjudged the character of your spouse, that is a common human failure. Yet people who are going through a divorce commonly experience plummeting self-esteem. It is the relationship that failed, not you. Think about it; talk to a therapist or a life coach or a close friend or your clergy about it. Reach out. Get some support. It’s out there, and you need it.
Although you are not a failure or a bad person, take it from me, you did play some role in the breakdown of your marriage – and so did your spouse. The next thing you need to reflect on is your role in the breakdown of your marriage. Think back about all of the incidents you can recall that created conflict. Next try to see them from your ex-spouse’s point of view. If you are a writer-type, write about these incidents. Spend some serious alone time thinking about what you did and didn’t do and what you could have done differently. It’s important for your future and important for the next thing you must reflect on and do. And, by the way, this reflection takes time. Don’t expect to have it all figured out in a few weeks or months. I would say, if you work hard at it, two years – or longer. But when you’re finished, you will be the whole, confident, productive person that you want to be.
After you have understood something about your role in the breakdown of your marriage, understand that you are not perfect. You, like everyone else, are a flawed human being, and it is natural to make mistakes. Everyone is scarred by their parents, however well meaning they were. You learned to relate to a spouse from your parents. To the extent their teaching by example and words was flawed, you entered your marriage with a flawed concept of how to relate to your spouse. You also learned from others, including the media and other outside influences. Your role in the breakdown of your marriage was not your fault. You are simply a human being that made mistakes like we all do.
Now comes the really hard part. It is crucial that you forgive your spouse or partner and not carry around your anger and hatred for the rest of your life. You’re not doing this for his or her benefit, for a favor to him or her. You’re doing it for yourself so that you are at peace. It will only make you a bitter, unhappy person, if you carry around hatred of your spouse. This will take a lot of reflection for a long period and probably some therapy. This is not something you can talk to your friends about. Talk to them about forgiving yourself. They will be supportive, but they won’t be of any help in forgiving your spouse.
Another thing to think about and act upon. It is always important for your emotional well-being, but especially so during times when you are down and sad, to take care of yourself and be good to yourself. You have this opportunity to live by yourself without interference from another adult. Make it a time that you eat healthfully, exercise regularly and do what is right for your body and your mind. And pamper yourself once in a while – go for a massage; take yourself out for a nice dinner; take a vacation, even a short one, to some place you’ve always wanted to go (not somewhere you went with your ex-spouse); if you like baseball, go to a game; play a round of golf, if that’s your thing. The point is – do something for yourself that is nice and that you will enjoy. You deserve it, and it will make you feel better and more worthy.
Divorce is a time in your life when you have a great opportunity to start all over again in many respects. Ponder the direction you want to go in your life: work, where you live, friends, new relationships. With the knowledge that you have gained by your reflection you have the opportunity to live a better life. Don’t squander it. Consider whether your career is what you really want, or should you make a change? Jettison friends who are counterproductive. Consider a geographical change, but not to run away from your issues, only after you have faced them. Finally, don’t get involved in a new romantic relationship right away. If you do you are likely to repeat the same mistakes. Take it from one who did. Consider in depth how you will handle a new relationship differently before you launch into one.
— Boyd Lemon will read from his new book, “Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages,” at Bank of Books, 748 E. Main St., Ventura, at 3 p.m. Saturday July 23. “Digging Deep” is a memoir about Boyd’s journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages. He believes it will help others to deal with their own relationship issues. Excerpts are on his website, http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com Boyd is a retired lawyer, who re-invented himself as a writer, living in Ventura. He recently returned from a year in France and Italy.