By Boyd Lemon / Guest contributor
Since one in two marriages in the United States ends in divorce, it is a subject many of us think about, but, except for celebrity divorces, not much is written or publically said about it. I wrote a memoir about my three marriages and divorces. For obvious reasons, I certainly don’t consider myself an expert on marriage, but I do know a thing or two about recovering from divorce. It is one of the most traumatic, depressing experiences one can have, and those of us who go through it need help. Hopefully, none of you, my readers, will ever have to go through it, but the statistics say otherwise. Anyway, here are some suggestions based on my experience and that of others.
1. Talk to a good listener. Talk primarily with good listener “security blanket” friends (and professionals, if need be). What you don’t talk out, remember, will come out some way. Set aside a time when you think about and talk about what is happening and has happened to you.
2. Except for the time you have set aside to think, perhaps write and talk about your marriage, stop playing the mental “woe is me” records all day long. You feel what you are thinking. If you want to get rid of the feeling, get rid of the thought. Think about what you have coming up, what you look forward to, what you are improving in your life, etc.
3. Stop thinking about your old married life. It is over – junk it. Use your emotional energy to get on with your new life. Again, except for the time you have set aside to think, write and talk about your marriage, move on. Don’t focus on your old life.
4. Start thinking about what you have done right in your life and how you can use that as leverage to do more right. Forget and stop processing all the things you did wrong. Concentrate on your hits; tune out and stop wasting time and energy on your misses. Concentrate on your wins, stop rehashing misses. Remember what you did right.
5. Now that you are free, do more of what you feel like doing. There are no “have to’s” or at least not as many as you think. You do not “have to” do anything. You say I have to go to work. I say you do not. You can go on welfare, be a bum, beachcomber, whatever. Lots of people are not going to work and they are surviving. Now you may decide to go to work and that probably is a good choice. However, realize that you decide to go to work. You don’t have to, so don’t blame anyone for it. You say, “I have to take care of my kids.” I say no, you do not. You can give them to your ex. If your ex doesn’t want them, call your relatives or your ex’s relatives. If they don’t want them, call the State and they will take them. You may not want to do this, but do realize that you don’t “have to” take care of your kids. You may well decide to, but again realize that it is your decision to do so. You do have options. When you decide to do something, take responsibility for your decision and stop blaming the world.
6. You are finally going to have to take full and total responsibility for your life. Realize that and learn how to do it. If your life doesn’t work now, you will only have yourself to blame and that is scary. Maybe all your life, when things didn’t work out you always blamed your mother, who somehow was keeping you from doing all the “right” things you had wanted to do. Then your mother died; then you blamed your spouse for your life not working. So you got rid of your spouse. Who are you going to blame now, your children? Remember you are an adult and you are now totally in charge of your life.
7. Stop demanding justice. There is no such thing as justice. It isn’t fair, etc. It really isn’t fair that you were born here instead of in North Korea. It really isn’t fair that you have plenty to eat and others around the world are starving.
8. Stop processing what your ex should have done or what you should have done. Learning to become single successfully is a complicated job. You need every bit of your mental computer’s time and emotional energy to get on with and handle your new life. Remember, hundreds of thousands of other people, less capable than you, have learned how to be independent, self-sufficient, self-responsible, and happy on their own.
9. Take a good look at your friends and jettison the ones who are not benefiting you. Your parents were right. It is important who you hang around with. You do indeed become like the people you associate with. You learn most of your actions and attitudes, including being single, modeling after others. If you hang around a group of negative downers for whom nothing is going right, then that is probably the way your life will go. If you hang around with other happy, successful single people, then that is likely the way you will become. You may feel uncomfortable with happy successful people, because you feel like a loser. Deliberately find people who are like you want to be, not as you see yourself now. Even though you are uncomfortable there initially, put yourself there anyway. Eventually you will get yourself up to where you know you are okay and by associating with these people, it will rub off and you will change.
10. Do something nice for yourself. Once a week, or if you can’t afford it that often, once a month, get a massage, go out to dinner at a nice restaurant, go to a movie, whatever you really like to do, as a reward. You deserve it, and it will make you feel better, like the worthy person that you are.
How long will all this take? Many of the experts say two years before you are fully recovered. But everyone is different. Maybe it will take a year, maybe three years. If you have followed the above suggestions, you probably will know when you have recovered. And then there is one more important step to take when you feel you have recovered. Figure out what your role in the failure of your marriage was, because I can guarantee that no matter how terrible or crazy or cruel your spouse was, you contributed to the failure of your marriage. This eleventh step will not be easy. I wrote about it for two years, but then I had three marriages to write about. In the end, it will be healing and will prepare you for another relationship. Finally, when you understand that you played a role in the failure of your marriage, you are on the road to ridding yourself of whatever anger or hatred you feel for your ex-spouse and whatever guilt you feel. Getting rid of these two destructive emotions, anger and guilt, will complete your recovery and open up a whole new life.
— Boyd Lemon is a retired lawyer, who re-invented himself as a writer, living in Ventura. He recently returned from a year in France and Italy. His memoir, “Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages,” has recently been published. It is about his journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages. He believes it will help others to deal with their own relationship issues. Excerpts and reviews are on his website, http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com