By Boyd Lemon / Guest contributor
Lowering your expectations to avoid disappointment is a form of mind control that generates greater happiness. Our minds generally are responsible for determining how “happy” we are in life, assuming we have enough to eat and shelter from the weather, though I have talked to homeless people who seem happier than some middle class people. Those who exert some control over how their minds anticipate and react to events in their lives seem to be the happiest people. Expectations are an important aspect of what our minds do to make us happy or unhappy. What we expect is in the mind and nowhere else. Expectations cause unhappiness when they are not met and block happiness when it is otherwise possible.
We tend to set firmly in our minds what we expect to happen, how we expect to feel about a situation that will or may occur, and what others will say or do. When it turns out differently, we are unhappy and respond in various negative ways: anger or hurt feelings, expressed or unexpressed, are the most common. Hurt feelings and anger add to the sadness of failed expectations and make us even unhappier. These feelings of anger and hurt often manifest themselves in action: verbal expression of these emotions; verbal attack on another; physical attack on another; withholding or modifying the relationship with another, such as withholding benefits that we normally bestow on the other person, or some sort of punishment, such as, withholding affection, sympathy or empathy that we normally would express. Other forms of punishment of the other person for failing to meet our expectations could be withholding money, legal action or convincing others to take negative action against the person.
All of these reactions, rather than making us happier, exacerbate and deepen the negative, unhappy feelings. All of these feelings of unhappiness were caused by expectations that in many cases were too high.
Here are some examples of expectations in a marriage or marital-like relationship. You expect your partner to have sex with you on a regular basis. Your expectation may even be specific, such as twice a week. You also expect her to cook the evening meal when you both get home from work. Some more: You expect a close friend to call you at least once a week. You expect a close friend not to say anything negative about you to other people. You expect drivers to follow the rules. You expect your adult children to call you regularly. These expectations set you up for disappointment, unhappiness and the negative emotions I described. When any of these expectations are not met, you are unhappy. If you don’t compound unhappiness by the negative conduct I described, you may keep the negative feelings in and harbor resentment, which eventually will come out.
One thing you can expect in any relationship, friend, family or lover, is that the relationship will change. Nothing lasts forever, especially relationships. Expect changes. It could be a pleasant change that creates greater closeness, but it could be a distancing or even estrangement. If you expect change, it will reduce its negative impact on you.
It is easy to look at others and create expectations in your mind of how they should act on a daily basis in a relationship. Understand that everyone has bad days, failures and mood swings that make life harder. Don’t expect your significant other to be at their best all the time. Human beings are flawed. Understand this. Lowering your expectations of others also makes it easier to forgive, to allow people to make mistakes and not be angry or disappointed. Lower your expectations of those you really care about and let them be human.
If you live with someone else, you will have to deal with their expectations. Find out what they are, discuss them and resolve whether you can meet them or whether they need to be changed. Compromise may be required to sustain the relationship.
Lower expectations of yourself too. Strive for perfection, but don’t expect it. Everyone fails, and not everything is going to be easy or easily completed. You will live a healthier life without all of the stress and demands that you place on yourself. Do your best, but be aware that you won’t always be perfect. Understand that you, like others, will sometimes be mean, incompetent and inconsiderate.
As a practical matter, it probably is impossible to live in our society and not have some expectations. However, the fewer expectations we have and the lower they are, the happier we will be. I suggest a four-step approach to changing expectations in order to achieve greater happiness.
- Examine your expectations. What are they? What do you expect from your spouse or partner? Close friends? Relatives? Casual friends? Bosses? Life in general?
- Give serious thought to whether these expectations are reasonable, given the frailties inherent in human nature, and eliminate those expectations that, as a practical matter, you can. Especially keep in mind that all human beings are imperfect, and, therefore, sometimes stupid, cruel, inconsiderate, mistaken and forgetful. Remember also that people tend to act in what they see as their own best interests, not yours. Don’t expect even loved ones to act in your best interest.
- Lower all expectations that you reasonably can.
- Distinguish between hopes and expectations.
Putting this into practice is not easy, but the lower your expectations are, the happier you will be.
— Boyd Lemon is a retired lawyer, who re-invented himself as a writer, living in Ventura. He recently returned from a year in France and Italy and is writing a book on retirement. His upcoming book, “Retirement: A 10 Step Program to the Best Time of Your Life,” he expects to be released early next year. His memoir, “Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages,” published last May, is about his journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages. He believes it will help others to deal with their own relationship issues. Excerpts are on his website, http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com