By Boyd Lemon / Guest contributor
Loneliness is a common complaint of single people, especially those of us who are “older” or more or less retired. I’m 71 and single.
In reality we are all alone inside our heads. Nobody can join us in our minds. The degree of discomfort you feel from being lonely relates to what you tell yourself it means. If you realize that everyone is lonely from time to time, and that it is simply a circumstance that bears no relationship to who you are, or your value as a person, it will not feel so uncomfortable. What makes it severely uncomfortable is if you feel that loneliness means that you are inadequate, that it is your fault that you don’t have enough friends, that you are inferior.
After a divorce, I felt lonely, despite the fact that I had four children to visit ,and friends, including several that I was close to. I suffered from the belief that I needed to be the most important person in somebody’s life, and as a single person, that wasn’t going to happen.
Good relationships with my children and friends and the practices discussed below overcame my loneliness, and I only occasionally have felt lonely for the past 15 years, despite the fact that during those fifteen years I moved to three cities where I either knew nobody or only one person.
Writing helped me to feel like I was doing something worthwhile, something that mattered. That played an important role in helping me break free from the loss I felt.
First, remind yourself that your loneliness will not last forever; it will pass. Loneliness occurs most markedly when I am home, especially if I have not been out and about for a day or two. So I find something to do out of the house.
Of course, visiting a friend or family member would be the best cure, but they are not always available. I keep a local weekly paper that announces what is going on in town each week. There usually is something going on that interests me enough to get me out. If not, often there is a movie I would like to see. For me going to see a movie in a theater is much more likely to relieve loneliness than watching one on TV at home. When you go to the theater, if you’re lonely, indulge yourself. Have some popcorn — with butter.
Nighttime is usually when I am most likely to feel lonely. If that is so with you, plan some nighttime activities: take a class at the local adult school; schedule whatever exercise you do for the evening if that is practical; look at the local newspaper and see what is going on at night in your area. Here are some more suggestions.
Get out of the house and do something, and don’t be picky. Keep an open mind as to what might be enjoyable. If you are feeling lonely and you think of something to do, try it, even if it doesn’t sound appealing.
Try going for a hike in nature if that is available to you, even though it is solitary, the natural environment sometimes makes me feel less lonely, like I I’m a part of something important. I walk on the beach and sometimes stop at the restaurant on the pier for a beer.
If you enjoy music, find some live music in your town.
If you’re a golfer, check out a local golf course, there often is a threesome that would be delighted to have you join them. Similarly, if you’re a tennis player.
Call a friend. My best friend lives 3,000 miles away. Sometimes calling him relieves my loneliness. Call as many people as you can think of. They may not have the time to get together, but they might take a few minutes to talk to you.
Go out to dinner, but don’t sit at a table and stare at the other people enjoying each other’s company; sit at the bar; don’t drink too much, but strike up a conversation with somebody else at the bar or the bartender, if he or she is not too busy.
Go to a baseball game, if you enjoy baseball, and the home team is in town; even a college or high school game is good enough. Baseball is my game, but, of course, basketball, football, soccer or any sport that interests you works just as well.
Go to the horse races, but don’t bet much or at all. Talk to your seatmates.
Go to some type of event that you have never been to before — a polo match, a flea market, a cat show?
Write letters to your friends and family.
Get a massage.
If you’re physically healthy, get some exercise: jogging, Pilates, weight lifting, yoga. Do something different from your usual form of exercise. Going to a gym gets you with other people.
Go to a lecture or class. If you’re fortunate enough to live near a college or university, they are usually plentiful. How about learning a new language? Spanish is helpful, especially if you live in California or the southwest.
Browse a bookstore.
Check the Meet-Up groups online and go meet with a group that interests you.
Do Karaoke, if you’re inclined.
Play low stakes poker if there is a legal poker club near you.
Find somewhere that you can dance, if you enjoy dancing.
If you live in or near a wine grape growing region, go wine tasting; don’t drink too much, but talk to the other tasters.
Go play something at a casino, but don’t bet more than you can afford.
Take a train somewhere, anywhere; go to the bar or café car and strike up a conversation with someone.
Go to a park, and watch a kids soccer game or Little League game.
Go to a play or concert.
Visit a museum.
Go anywhere there are people.
Join an online community. That not only relieves loneliness to some extent while you are on line, but it may result in face-to-face interaction.
For a long-term solution, take classes and learn to do something new; you may find your passion that way, and you will reduce your loneliness. Finding and pursuing your passion goes a long way to avoiding loneliness.
Avoid taking any medication for loneliness. Clinical depression is another story and requires professional intervention. If all of your efforts to overcome loneliness fail and your feelings of loneliness are frequent and seem extreme, seek professional help to determine if you are clinically depressed. If that is the diagnosis, get a second opinion. If your therapist or doctor recommends antidepressants, get a second opinion. They can be helpful if you are chronically depressed, but in my opinion, they should be a last resort. Sometimes, in a misguided effort to “do something,” doctors are too quick to prescribe anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications. They are addictive or induce dependency, which is dangerous and detracts from experiencing life at its fullest.
Occasionally when I’m lonely, and nothing works to alleviate it, I just feel it. I consciously focus on how it feels to be lonely. I don’t cry anymore because I don’t feel like it, but I used to, and if you feel like it, cry. Then think about how that feels. What I have found is that if I focus on my loneliness in a meditative state, eventually it passes.
— Boyd Lemon is a retired lawyer, who re-invented himself as a writer, living in Ventura. He recently returned from a year in France and Italy and is writing a book on retirement. This column is an excerpt from his new book: “Retirement: A 10 Step Program to the Best Time of Your Life.” He expects it to be released early in 2012. Additional excerpts will appear in subsequent columns. His memoir, “Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages,” published last May, is about his journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages. He believes it will help others to deal with their own relationship issues. Excerpts are on his website, http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com