By Boyd Lemon / Guest contributor
Our minds generally are responsible for determining how “happy” we are in life, assuming we have enough to eat and shelter from the weather, though I have seen homeless people who are happier than some middle-class people. Those who exert some control over how their minds anticipate and react to events in their lives seem to be the happiest people. This column is about one aspect of what our minds do to make us happy or unhappy, and that is expectations. What we expect, of course, is in the mind and nowhere else.
Expectations cause unhappiness when they are not met and prevent happiness when it is otherwise possible. We tend to set firmly in our minds what we expect to happen, how we expect to feel about a situation that will or may occur, or what others will say or do; and when it turns out differently, we are unhappy and respond in various negative ways, for example, anger or hurt feelings, expressed or unexpressed.
Feelings of anger or hurt added to the sadness of failed expectations make us even unhappier. These feelings of anger and hurt often manifest themselves in action: verbal expression of these emotions; verbal attack on another; physical attack on another; withholding or modifying the relationship with another, such as withholding benefits that we normally bestow on the other person or some sort of punishment, such as, withholding affection, sympathy or empathy that we normally would express. Other forms of punishment of the other person for failing to meet our expectations could be withholding money, legal action or convincing others to take negative action against the person. All of these reactions, rather than making us happier, deepen the negative, unhappy feelings. And they were all caused by expectations that in many cases were too high.
Here are some examples of expectations in a marriage or marital-like relationship that are too high. You expect your partner to have sex with you on a regular basis. Your expectation may even be specific, such as twice a week. You also expect her to cook the evening meal when you both get home from work. Some more: You expect a close friend to call you at least once a week. You expect a close friend not to say anything negative about you to other people. By these expectations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and unhappiness.
If any of these expectations are not met, you are unhappy. You often compound this unhappiness by becoming angry with your spouse or your friend. You may make it worse by either lashing out in some way, or you keep it in and harbor resentment, which eventually will come out.
As a practical matter, it probably is impossible to live in our society and not have some expectations. However, the fewer expectations we have and the lower they are, the happier we will be.
I suggest a four-step approach to changing expectations in order to achieve greater happiness.
- Examine our expectations. What are they? What do we expect from our spouses or partners? Our close friends? Our relatives? Our casual friends? Our bosses? Life in general?
- Give serious thought to whether these expectations are reasonable, and eliminate those expectations that, as a practical matter, you can.
- Lower the remaining expectations.
- Distinguish between hopes and expectations.
I’ll give you an example of how to apply this four-step process. A close friend is coming to visit you as a houseguest for a week. He has been a close friend for many years and moved out of state a few years ago. You have kept in touch by email and phone, but you haven’t seen him for two years. Your expectations: you are excitedly looking forward to the visit, expecting to enjoy his company like you used to; have deep, intimate conversations like you did before he moved; do fun things together; and catch up on what you each have been doing and plan to do in the future.
As for enjoying his company: yes, but your expectations should be tempered by the negative of having a house guest which will mean, among other things, that you will not be enjoying his company all of the time, and, as a house guest, he will do things that irritate you. Lower those expectations. There is likely to be enjoyment, but also disappointment. After two years, the relationship may feel awkward. You may not have the deep conversations you used to. It is not reasonable to expect your relationship to be the same as it was years ago before he moved. Lower those expectations, maybe even eliminate the expectation of deep conversation. (That doesn’t mean you can’t attempt it yourself.) Fun things? Probably, but try to make that a hope, not an expectation. Finally, don’t expect him to tell you in detail his plans for the future. He may not be as comfortable doing that, as he would have been before he moved. Eliminate that expectation.
If you eliminate and lower these expectations, you are almost insuring that while your friend is visiting and when he leaves, you will be happy about the experience.
If you eliminate and lower as many expectations as you can, you will save yourself from disappointment, hurt feelings and anger. Just this one change will make you a happier person.And remember, you cannot control what other people say or do, even a partner or best friend. Don’t expect that they will say and do what you want. That is a biggie!
— Boyd Lemon is a retired lawyer, who re-invented himself as a writer, living in Ventura. He recently returned from a year in France and Italy. His memoir, “Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages,” has just been published. It is about his journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages. He believes it will help others to deal with their own relationship issues. Excerpts are on his website, http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com