By Boyd Lemon / Guest contributor
Since the new age of introspection starting in the 1960s we are often told, “Know who you are.” Or, as Descartes put it centuries ago, “Know thyself.” Have you ever wondered what that really means?
Figuring out who you are is not as obscure or complicated as it sounds, but it is important and requires time and effort. It takes a lot of mental work, the hardest kind of work, and a lot of experimenting and trial and error, the scariest kind of work, but almost anyone can do it. You don’t have to be a monk, priest, philosopher or psychologist. You don’t have to have a college degree. You just have to have a mind that is reasonably under control.
Who you are, the authentic you, consists of what fulfills you; what, to you, is important and unimportant; what you like and dislike; what interests you and what does not; what you want out of life; what makes you feel that you are doing something worthwhile; what makes you feel happy, fulfilled, competent, esteemed, sad, frustrated, angry and inadequate. If you know all this, you will find out what you are passionate about. Not just the positive emotions tell you who you are; the negative emotions of sadness, frustration, anger, fear and inadequacy are also instructive.
Contrary to popular belief, situations and other people do not make you feel these negative emotions. It is you and your reaction to external situations that cause you to feel them. There is no law that requires you to feel any particular way, no inevitability that you will feel a particular way about an external event, nothing that requires you to be angry if your partner cheats on you or your friend breaks a promise. Likewise, nothing forces you to be frustrated when you can’t get the tomato plant to produce big, beautiful, red tomatoes. You don’t have to be sad if your son doesn’t call you when you expect him to. You don’t have to fear speaking in public. These are all feelings that you develop, that go into part of who you are.
Meditation, which I discussed in a previous column here, helps you slow down your mind and feel more present. When you learn to live more in the moment, you are better prepared to know yourself because, being more present, you have greater awareness of everything, including your own feelings and preferences. Although there is such a thing as an epiphany, when all of a sudden something important just comes to you, knowing who you are probably will not come to you in that way. It happens differently for everyone. Don’t have any specific expectations about how it is going to happen.
You have to make an effort to know yourself. Know who you are not too. That may help to know who you are. You are not your job. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I was not a lawyer. I practiced law, but a lawyer was not who I was or who I am. During the process of finding out who you are and who you are not, it is likely that you will find a passion. Here are some things you can do that will help you know who you are and find a passion:
Think long and hard about what during the course of your life you have enjoyed doing. Thinking about what you didn’t enjoy can be helpful to remember what you did enjoy. What made your heart sing? What excited you? What did you wish you could do more of? What were some general characteristics of what you enjoyed. Were they usually done outdoors? Did they involve something creative — music, dance, painting, writing, building or designing things? Did they involve doing things with your hands?
What part of your job or jobs did you enjoy?
Think about what other people that you admired were doing.
Make lists of possibilities.
Do you like to learn new things? What would you like to learn?
Are you a planner, or are you more spontaneous? Some activities need more planning than others.
Many people are passionate about creating. Think about whether there is anything you would like to create, now that you have the time. Men especially often bury the creative side of themselves. Once guys reach adolescence they are not encouraged to pursue anything creative. That doesn’t mean it isn’t buried down there somewhere. Try digging it up.
Do history, art and culture interest you? There are a lot of activities that involve history, art and culture, including travel and writing. Do they interest you?
Are you a people person, or more the solitary type? This is important because if you are a people person, you probably don’t want to pursue something that involves a lot of alone time — writing, for example; if you are solitary, you don’t want to pursue something that keeps you around people most of the time, such as fundraising for charities.
Do you enjoy physical effort or mental effort more?
Do you need to keep busy doing a lot of different tasks or are you happy focusing on one thing for a long time?
Do you enjoy dealing with detail, or are you more a big picture person?
Are you a perfectionist?
Does helping other people make you feel fulfilled?
Do you like sports, reading, writing, listening to music, hiking, taking photos?
Look through the catalogue at your local night schools or extension schools and find classes that interest you.
Think about what the meaning or purpose of your life could be? Doing something that fulfills you, maybe something that leaves your mark here on earth?
Keep an open mind. Do and see things you normally wouldn’t. Read about things you haven’t read about before. Remember that you might be trying to discover something that you have buried, so you may not readily see or feel it. Maybe you would like to raise horses or make custom saddles or design and make quilts. Examine every possibility.
Think about your values. Why are you here? Why is anybody here? What is most important to you? Read what other people have had to say about that. I recommend reading The Artist’s Way by Julia Campbell. It is a 12-week course book, not just for artists, for everyone who is searching to find who they are and what drives them.
Once who know something about who you are, you will find yourself gravitating toward a life that fulfills you. And you never stop learning more, if you make the effort.
— Boyd Lemon is a retired lawyer, who re-invented himself as a writer, living in Ventura. He recently returned from a year in France and Italy and is writing a book on retirement. This column is an excerpt from his new book: “Retirement: A 10 Step Program to the Best Time of Your Life.” He expects it to be released early in 2012. Additional excerpts will appear in subsequent columns. His memoir, “Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages,” published last May, is about his journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages. He believes it will help others to deal with their own relationship issues. Excerpts are on his website, http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com