By Boyd Lemon / Guest contributor
If you have adult children, they are among the most important of your relationships. Unfortunately, many retired people are estranged or emotionally distant from their adult children. Relationships between you and your adult children are only as good as the effort you both put in, and they must be delicately handled. Sometimes it will seem that you are doing all of the work, but staying the course and being patient will ultimately be pay off. If you have damaged your relationship with your adult children, it can be repaired, and sometimes all it takes is patience, waiting for them to forgive or mature. It is not always easy to relate to adult children, but it is not always easy for adult children to relate to their parents. It may seem to the parents like another teenage, and to the adult children that they are not being treated as the adults that they are certain they are.
I don’t know why, but I knew instinctively how to create a close relationship with my adult children. I didn’t read any books. I didn’t consult with a therapist. I did give it some thought. I realized that if as teenagers they resented being told what to do and how to live their lives, they certainly would as adults. In their 20’s and even into their 30’s they were still experimenting with their independence. As adults, they had the power to estrange themselves from me. I knew that they would perceive the slightest criticism, even gentle advice, as a threat to their independence, as an effort to interfere with and control their lives.
I determined not to interfere or express any judgment of their conduct or their decisions and not to give advice unless asked. I assured them that if they sought my advice and decided to reject it, I would not be upset or critical or ever say, “I told you so.” They noticed that I kept these promises, that they could trust me.
I sometimes engaged in activities that they relished, even if I wasn’t enamored with the activities, so that I could bond with them. I went to NASCAR races with Adam, though I wouldn’t have gone if he weren’t passionate about them. It was a good way to bond with him.
More often than not, I traveled to where my children lived. Before they lived near me, it would have been a financial hardship for them to travel to me. As they got older, and especially when they had children of their own and demanding jobs, it was more convenient for me to go to them.
Another practice that I applied was to be respectful of their schedules, especially as they got older. It is important to give your adult children space. They have their own lives, and demanding more time and attention than they are willing to give you, or complaining about not seeing as much of them as you would like, will result in resentment and less time with them. The mantra is, “Don’t complain; accept the time that they give you.” Say the mantra to yourself when you feel like complaining that they don’t call or invite you over as much as you would like.
I haven’t found relating to my adult children in the way I have recommended difficult, although I tend by nature not to be a controlling person. Some parents may find it more difficult and have to consciously work on avoiding the pitfalls I have described. My reward, for which I am very grateful, is a close, trusting relationship with each of them, one in which in their 20’s and 30’s they sometimes sought my advice. I didn’t find it difficult, although I tend to not be a controlling person. Some parents may find it more difficult and have to consciously work on such a relationship.
You have to get your head out of the role of parent to a great extent. Sure, I cringed inside at some of their decisions, but I held my tongue. They suffered the consequences and learned from their mistakes, including a bad marriage, a disappointing long-term relationship, experimentation with drugs and abuse of alcohol. But none of their conduct or decisions were life-threatening and all have recovered.
Parents who rarely see their children, have a distant relationship or are estranged usually have interfered in their children’s lives, continued to treat them as if they were children, and demanded more attention than the children were willing to give. Your children and grandchildren can be a rewarding part of old age, if you handle it sensibly.
When your children have children of their own, you are tested again. You will not always agree with their parenting, but if you try to interfere in even a small way, you are risking losing or, at least, distancing them. Their children are their responsibility, not yours. Only they and their children live with the consequences. You don’t. Your adult children are especially sensitive to criticism of their parenting, probably because they feel that your parenting was defective, and they are right. We all have damaged our children, no matter how hard we tried to be good parents. They will damage theirs; it is a part of the human condition.
I apply the same principles that I applied to not interfering in my children’s lives to their parenting. I do not criticize their parenting or make suggestions on how they should parent, no matter how strongly I feel, unless they ask for my advice.
Grandchildren are one of the joys of retirement for many people. It is a wonderful experience to watch them play and grow without the responsibility of raising them. A word of warning: you are not on this earth in your retirement years to be baby sitters for your grandchildren. Don’t let your children take advantage of your willingness to take care of them so that the parents can go out or go on vacation. To the extent you are willing, your children should feel privileged. My children have not abused this privilege, but I know some children do.
When they ask you to babysit, don’t agree immediately, tell them you’ll check your schedule or some other delaying tactic that gives you time to think about how you feel and, if you have a partner, to discuss it with her. The question to ask yourself is simple: do you want to? If the answer is yes, then of course respond affirmatively, but if you look upon it as a chore, politely decline, unless there is an emergency. Don’t allow your children to have too many emergencies though.
If the problem is that although you do want to babysit your grandchildren, your children are simply asking too often, sit down and have a heart-to-heart, and set reasonable boundaries. They may or may not react happily, but if you speak with kindness and consideration, they will eventually understand. If they don’t, so be it. You don’t want to spend your retirement as unpaid babysitters — unless you do. Then fine, do it, but be sure that the authentic you wants to do it, and you are not just offering out of guilt or some inauthentic emotion.
As your children reach their late 30’s and 40’s, you will have another adjustment to make. They will not likely seek your advice. You will have the feeling that they no longer need you, a lonely feeling. The fact is they don’t need you like they did. You are nowhere near the center of their universe. It may hurt, but accept it. This phase of the relationship is the beginning of the change to your needing them more than their needing you. Please, please accept the change so that you don’t lose them. Your married children rely more on their spouses for support and less on you. They have busy lives, and don’t have as much time for you as they did in their 20’s. Be understanding, even if it hurts. Remember the mantra, “Don’t complain;” it will only distance them more. Be grateful for whatever time you have with them.
— Boyd Lemon is a retired lawyer, who re-invented himself as a writer, living in Ventura. He recently returned from a year in France and Italy and is writing a book on retirement. This column is an excerpt from his new book: “Retirement: A 10 Step Program to the Best Time of Your Life.” He expects it to be released near the end of this year. Additional excerpts will appear in subsequent columns. His memoir, “Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages,” published last May, is about his journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages. He believes it will help others to deal with their own relationship issues. Excerpts are on his website, http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com