If you are caring for someone with memory loss, you have surely made changes in your household as you embrace this new reality. And as we all know change is the only constant in life, more are sure to come. When you find a new way of doing things that works for your situation, think of it as a new tool for your tool kit.

One I find extremely effective is the use of fiblets, little fibs, or “therapeutic lies” for the greater good. Though we have all been taught from childhood that lying is wrong, fiblets are often the best answer when you find yourself wondering, “What is the kindest thing I can do or say for my loved one right now?”

Fiblets, a form of validation therapy, are not meant to mislead or deceive, but instead to provide a calming sense of assurance to someone in a state of confusion or frustration. Here is an example:

Jim is a 73-year-old gentleman living with a diagnosis of moderate dementia. Mary, Jim’s wife, brings her husband to a fabulous adult day center every day, but some mornings he is hesitant to go because of concerns over his schedule.

“I think I have plans with my father today,” he often says. Mary will reply, “Oh you know what–I spoke to Dad this morning and he is going to be busy with your mother today, so he asked to reschedule.”

In this case, Mary leans into Jim’s reality, that of a younger man who had plans with his father. She could have told her husband the truth, that his father died several decades ago and Jim was wrong to think he had plans with him… but how would that help either of them? Mary answers her husband in a way that is not technically truthful, but is for the greater good of the situation.