Commentary: When grief is home for the holidays

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By Mona AlvaradoFrazier / Guest contributor

For many people the holiday season, which kicks off with Thanksgiving and spans through New Year’s, is anything but cheerful. It can be downright un-cheery. This time of year may bring in the blues along with the cooler weather and shorter days, especially for those who are grieving a loss.

Family gatherings and holiday parties may emphasize the absence of a deceased loved one. Memories of holidays when loved ones were alive can make a person shun gatherings. Everyone is cheerful, thankful, excited and they may not be. An anxiousness or depression may overwhelm a person who suffered a loss, whether it was one year ago or ten years prior.

Here are some things you can do to help your friend or a family member through difficult times. Let’s start with What Not to Do.

1. Do not avoid them – Don’t worry if you don’t know the right thing to do or say. Your presence or simplest of gestures is all that is required to help.
2. Don’t pressure them to stop grieving – Each person grieves in their own time and their own way. Let them cry, scream, or sit quietly while you hold them or sit with them.
3. Don’t hide your feelings – Don’t hide your grief or avoid the subject because you don’t want to upset them. Instead, grieve together, hold each other and cry, or talk about the times you both spent with the loved one. If you don’t mention the person at all, it may feel to the grieving as if you don’t even care or understand how they are feeling.
4. Don’t advise them to let go of clothing or personal effects before they’re ready – Each person grieves in their own time. Out of sight out of mind does not apply to someone you’ve loved deeply.
5. Don’t say, “It was for the best” – This doesn’t diminish the pain and sense of loss.
6. Don’t say, “I know how you feel” unless you really do – These are just hollow words unless you have been in the same situation and can offer suggestions about what helped you to heal.

What You Can Do

1. Be a good listener – Your loved one may need to talk about what has happened, their feelings about it, or just to reminisce about their lives together.
2. Provide reassurance – it is very common for a person to feel guilt, that they could have done more. Let them know that they did what they could.
3. Be available – This is especially true immediately after the death and during holidays and other special events when the loss is most keenly felt. Give a hug or hold a hand.
4. Help with errands and other tasks – Depending on the situation, a grieving person may feel too overwhelmed with emotion to do even simple tasks; they may have to deal with funeral arrangements or medical care; or they may have to take up the slack for a spouse who is no longer around to help them.
5. Be patient – If a loved one refuses to accept your invitations to dinner, etc., be patient and keep asking. In time, they will be ready.
6. Understand – The grieving person may be angry, upset, and take this out on you. Recognize that they are going through a difficult time and don’t hold it against them.
7. Keep in touch – Write letters, send sympathy cards or flowers, or call periodically.
8. Prayer – What if your loved one is not religious or is offended by prayer, pray for them when you are alone. Prayer is known to have a powerful influence, even if the object of your prayers doesn’t believe in it.*

Self-care is also important if you are grieving. If you’re feeling lonely, let friends comfort you, find a church or community center where you can be with other people. Start with very small doses of being with others and work up to longer periods.

When you’re feeling stressed, breathe your way out. Sit in a comfortable chair that lets you keep your back straight and your feet flat on the floor. Put your hands gently on your belly, right below your ribcage. Expand your stomach, drawing breath in through your nose. When you do this right, you’ll feel your hands move slightly. Open your mouth a little. Slowly let your belly contract, gently pushing your breath out your mouth. Repeat this for a few minutes. Let the stress go. Work up to 5 or 10 minutes per sitting.

Enjoy healthy comfort food by using lower fat products, thick vegetable soups,  air popped popcorn with seasonings,  oatmeal-raisin cookies, or a piece of dark chocolate.

Take ten for tea. For disease-fighting antioxidants, tea is hard to beat. Black tea and green tea have the most health-boosting effects. Try hot cinnamon spiced tea, rooibos, or other flavorful hot drinks.

Exercise every day. Walk the dog, jog around the house, and turn on the music channel, even if you start with five minutes. The secretion of dopamine can temporarily help your mood.

With awareness, self-care, and love of friends and family you will get through this challenging time in your life.

*The numbered tips come from http://depression.about.com/od/griefcomfort/a/holidaygrief.htm

— Mona AlvaradoFrazier is a writer. To see more of her work, visit http://www.alvaradofrazier.com