By David Magallanes / Guest contributor
Generally, boys learn about becoming men from their peers (God help us) and their fathers. This could be beneficial if the peers and fathers were raised in a healthy environment — something that seems to be increasingly rare, especially when there is no father in the picture. Boys become young men, who learn about becoming masculine from their work companions or their bosses, or their comrades in the military, which is hyper-macho in this regard, at best. But then, in battle, these men better be “mucho-macho” or “macho-max” to the hilt, in order to face a ruthless, heartless enemy and have any chance for success on the battlefield.
There are parallels in the female universe. Girls learn to become women from their mothers and an entire cast of female relatives and companions who actually talk with one another. Women go to war, too — with each other — in ways that differ from how men engage in internecine behavior. For men to sit around and talk about their feelings and emotions and how to support one another as opposed to competing with each other would be viewed askance by the higher priests of masculinity. Girls and young women are also influenced by Madison Avenue, I suspect more than the boys and young men are. However, we of the male persuasion are more influenced by the often bad, but likewise courageous behaviors we see in action films, as well as by the fierce competition we see on the sports field and in the boxing ring.
But in my experience, there’s one place where men truly learn to be eminently male, and women, too, gain experience and practice wielding their God-given gifts as females: on the dance floor.
The world of dance has its own rules, its own culture. In my swing, ballroom, salsa and other Latin dance classes, the roles of the men and women were clearly defined. The men had steps to learn that were mirrored by the women in their own fashion. And “in their own fashion” — especially in the Latin dances — often meant that the women were instructed to move in a manner that was alternately sensuous, brash, delicate, and downright, unabashedly sexy. Men were reciprocally trained to use their power and their masculine character to lead the women. In the formal dance world, women expect the man to lead. If he doesn’t lead, or doesn’t lead properly, it reflects poorly on him as “the man.” It is drilled deeply into women’s heads that except for rare dance steps, when they may elect to “hijack” a man’s duty and privilege to lead, they are always, always, always to follow the man’s lead. A woman may have no idea whatsoever regarding a man’s next lead, but within a fraction of a second she is expected, with practice, to follow whatever lead he decides on. Men must learn to take charge on the dance floor, which will help him in a world that expects him to take charge under appropriate circumstances.
I’ve had women tell me — when they were not formally trained in dance — that I was wrong, that they liked to lead sometimes, that it was part of the fun. That may be fine for a man who likewise has no training in dance, because for a man who is trained, it is considered insulting for the woman to start leading. She’s “taking away our job” and usurping our rightful place on the dance floor.
For more feminist-leaning individuals, it gets worse. The women are further told that if the man leads incorrectly, they are to follow nonetheless — to smile and make the best of a misdirected hand or body lead. This seems to fly in the face of everything that women are taught by the liberal tradition, but it is considered absolutely essential on the dance floor to avoid awkwardness, spills and arguments as much as possible.
The dance instructors who are more sensitive to this issue have told my classes that the dance floor is the only place in the Western world today that a man is expected to “take charge” over the woman and her movements. On the other hand, this places a burden of responsibility on the chap. It is drilled into OUR heads that it is our responsibility to make the woman “look good.” If she fails to look good, it reflects poorly on us, whether or not it is our fault.
Off the dance floor, all bets are off. The woman is obviously in charge, say the female dance instructors confidently. Curiously, the male instructors say the same thing, though that may be based more on their experiences than on their personal philosophies.
There are social mores that make life more challenging for women on the dance floor than for men. Regardless of society’s efforts to equalize life’s challenges for men and women, it’s admittedly still a man’s world. In some ways, things never changed for women. She is expected to wait to dance until a man asks her to do so with him — if he asks her. It can be a cruel world for a woman if she’s not pretty or cute or nicely shaped or flirty or generally “sexy” — whatever that means. Yet I’ve seen heavier ladies who are very popular and who are extremely friendly and good dancers, characteristics that often make up for a lack in the “cute” department.
I believe that the dance floor is like boot camp for those men who must either learn how to treat a lady, or refresh their knowledge. Crude behavior is rooted out via social pressures that won’t allow it. It’s like a high school crowd, but with maturity (usually), that will make life difficult for a male dancer who refuses to respect women.
Neither do women get a free pass, though a woman who has “star power” can get away with a certain degree of shoddy treatment of men. It’s a social laboratory, and we dancers learn some hard lessons in the process of learning how to dance, especially during the difficult period referred to as “beginner’s hell.”
Nonetheless, I loved being in the dance world and miss it terribly. A shoulder operation two years ago put a halt to my dance activities at the time, but my body has healed (if I ignore the strange noises my shoulder makes sometimes), and I have little excuse for not settling once again on a dance training routine, as well as the rich social life that I once had.
A male dance instructor I once had joked that when his male classmates in college were jockeying to get onto the football team, for all the pain and glory it brings, he chose to learn how to dance. He said that they could tackle and beat each other into the ground all they wanted, but that he was going to be with women on the dance floor.
I can relate to what he says. There’s something magical about a man holding a woman in his arms, while both hear the same rhythm and move effortlessly in synchronicity. It takes at least a couple of years of intense training and practice in a dance to achieve this, and there are those mystical moments when I’ve felt it. It’s like a runner’s high, but with a partner in close proximity. Speaking of proximity, formal dance is not for the prudish. At times, the man and woman are not just “close to each other,” but rather are in full body contact. This is neither lechery nor taking advantage; it is one of the few opportunities for men and women who may not even know each other to flirt and feel each other’s full physical presence with society’s full blessing. It’s absolutely acceptable in social dance. I’ve held a young lady’s body tight against mine on the dance floor as we executed the steps right in front of her parents. They understood the culture on the Latin dance floor and had no objection whatsoever.
When a man or woman of any age tells me that they are having trouble meeting compatible people of the opposite sex, I always recommend dance. It’s healthy and fun and teaches us not only about dance, but about life and relationships with the opposite sex. Men and women have to learn how to cooperate in ways that make the dance work. With formal dance training, we don’t have to think in terms of “the battle of the sexes,” but rather “the dance of life.”
— David Magallanes is the creator of his own enterprise, Real World Projects, a speaking, writing and Internet marketing business dedicated to the advancement of the American Dream. An emerging branch of Real World Projects is Edifiquemos, a Spanish language enterprise dedicated to teaching the Spanish-speaking how to create a profitable international (U.S./Mexico) enterprise with low investment and high earning potential. David may be available for speaking opportunities. To contact him and for more information, you are invited to visit and explore his web sites at www.realworldprojects.info and at www.edifiquemos.com His e-mail is dmagallanes@RealWorldProjects.info