Commentary: Learn how to relate to your adult children

By Boyd Lemon / Guest contributor

If you have adult children, they are among the most important of your relationships.  Unfortunately, many parents are estranged or emotionally distant from their adult children. Relationships between you and your adult children are only as good as the effort you both put in, and they must be delicately handled.

Sometimes it will seem that you are doing all of the work, but staying the course and being patient will ultimately pay off. If you have damaged your relationship with your adult children, it can be repaired, and sometimes all it takes is patience, waiting for them to forgive or mature. It is not always easy to relate to adult children, but it is not always easy for adult children to relate to their parents. It may seem to the parents like another teenage phase, and to the adult children that they are not being treated as the adults that they are certain they are.

Before I moved to Ventura, my older daughter, Julie, had moved to Simi Valley, about a 45-minute drive from me.  Soon after, by coincidence, my other three children moved a few miles away. My younger daughter, Marsha, by that time a high school English teacher, got a job at nearby Hueneme High School. My older son, David, entered the PhD program at UC Santa Barbara, 23 miles away, and my younger son, Adam, came to live with me to attend college at Cal State Channel Islands. For the first time, we all lived in the same county.

I visited with David and Marsha every week, with Julie every couple of weeks and I lived with Adam. It was a fun, special time that brought us all together as a family. After two and half years, we all moved away, I to Boston, David to Sacramento to a new job, Marsha to Hawaii to live with her boyfriend and eventual husband and Adam to Paso Robles to work in a winery.

Julie stayed in Simi Valley with her family. She had given birth to a daughter and a son during the time I lived in Ventura. (I have since moved back.) Those two and a half years were precious and could never be duplicated.  Children in their 20’s and 30’s still need their father and will seek him out, if he knows how to treat them with respect and as adults.

I don’t know why, but I knew instinctively how to create a close relationship with my adult children. I didn’t read any books. I didn’t consult with a therapist. I did give it some thought. I realized that if as teenagers they resented being told what to do and how to live their lives, they certainly would as adults. In their 20’s and even into their 30’s they were still experimenting with their independence. As adults, they had the power to estrange themselves from me. I knew that they would perceive the slightest criticism, even gentle advice, as a threat to their independence, as an effort to interfere with and control their lives.

I determined not to interfere or express any judgment of their conduct or their decisions and not to give advice unless asked. I assured them that if they sought my advice and decided to reject it, I would not be upset or critical or ever say, “I told you so.” They noticed that I kept these promises, that they could trust me.

I sometimes engaged in activities that they relished, even if I wasn’t enamored with the activities, so that I could bond with them. I went to NASCAR races with Adam, though I wouldn’t have gone if he weren’t passionate about them. It was a good way to bond with him.

More often than not, I traveled to where my children lived before they moved to Ventura and since. Before they lived near me, it would have been a financial hardship for them to travel to me. As they got older, and especially when they had children of their own and demanding jobs, it was more convenient for me to go to them.

Another practice that I applied was to be respectful of their schedules, especially as they got older. It is important to give your adult children space. They have their own lives, and demanding more time and attention than they are willing to give you, or complaining about not seeing as much of them as you would like, will result in resentment and less time with them. The mantra is, “Don’t complain; accept the time that they give you.” Say the mantra to yourself when you feel like complaining that they don’t call or invite you over as much as you would like.

I haven’t found relating to my adult children in the way I have recommended difficult, although I tend by nature not to be a controlling person. Some parents may find it more difficult and have to consciously work on avoiding the pitfalls I have described. My reward, for which I am very grateful, is a close, trusting relationship with each of them, one in which in their 20’s and 30’s they sometimes sought my advice. You can have the same reward if you work at it.

— Boyd Lemon is a retired lawyer, who re-invented himself as a writer, living in Ventura. He recently returned from a year in France and Italy and is writing a book on retirement. This column is an excerpt from his new book: “Retirement: A 10 Step Program to the Best Time of Your Life.” He expects it to be released early in 2012.  Additional excerpts will appear in subsequent columns. His memoir, “Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages,” published last May, is about his journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages. He believes it will help others to deal with their own relationship issues. Excerpts are on his website, http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com